Van Gogh.

The rumor has it – happy things are addictive. Van Gogh is said to have eaten yellow paint to get happiness inside of him. The theory following the surprising fact is that we all have our poisonous sources of happiness – love, an unhelthy relationship with food, drugs, alcochol, friends who make us feel like nothing but something at the same time... The list goes on and on. And it is commonly believed that despite the hurt these feelings of happiness and fulfillment are irreplacable. I do agree with that statement. Things that makes us the happiest tend to hurt us the most due to strong attachement and emotional investment. But the Van Gogh rumor is far from truth. The artist didn't want to get happiness inside of him. He simply wanted to kill himself - commit suicide with the closes tool available - which happened to later on develop a symbolic meaning. There's nothing poetic or inspinational in his actions and vulnerability shall stop being glamorized. He was just like every other depressed person at their lowest point. He was looking for a way out and he found it in a small tube of paint. So in reality, the yellow paint doesn't represent a desperate journey towards the feeling of happines... or does it? Maybe true happiness can hide underneath the ground level (or perhaps above it)?  Maybe death wasn't so much happiness but relief. The best way in which pain could be stopped rather than the final find of freedom. And for some maybe that's enough? I mean at the end of the day I truly stand by the statement that – happiness isn't constant, it can only come and go, appear and dissapear. It's an impulse of euphoria or joy surrounded with all the other emotions. Happines is not a constant. Sadness is not a constant. Depression may be. And to those, just like Van Gogh, suffering and choking on a fresh, morning air – the impulse of happiness may be found in the actions of selfviolence and selfdestruction.

Disability.

Once upon a time it occurred to me that disability isn't always a metter of the eye. I can easily see a broken arm, a wheelchair, a cast, a bruise, dripping blood – all of the skin deep injuries and what comes with them. But what about the aching of a soul or a broken heart? Those can paralyse even more efficiently than an attack. Those may not be visible but are just as valid. Yet people with broken minds don't get provided with car parking spots. I am not saying that any disability is more worthy of attention than the other but... It bothers me. The social injustice. It's a natural instinct to help a person on a wheelchair to get into a shop but at the same time we never think to help a person struggling with anxiety to order food? Why is kindness offered only to those who visibly need it? I believe we all are disabled in one way or another. It may be due to an unfortunate event, our upbringing, our character or DNA, an accident or trauma... anything and everything really. We all have our scars, visible or not. Let's bare this thought in our minds - all people are fragile, all people are broken. Or have been. Or will be. All people are people. And we all deserve a parking spot.

Missgony.

The agony of missing another individual. The extreme suffering. The mental, physical, unbearable pain. There are three stages of missagony. One more ruthless than the other.

The first one. Mental. When your mind runs back to the last time you saw them. When your fingers scroll back to relieve the conversations of the past. When the memory of them is kept on replay on the whiteboard of your mind. When your thoughts are tangled and everything's a blur except from one picture. Of their smile.
The second one. Physical. When your hand aches and your chest starts to get heavy. When you finally loose all control over your body and it starts shaking. When the pain spreads to your forehead, your lips, your arms and legs and you can feel it consume you.
The worst one. The unbearable. You no longer miss their touch, it's not about their presence anymore. It's about so much more. It's their voice. Suddenly you can't remeber, can't recall the high pitched tone of them singing their favourite line of that song you hate but love at the same time... just because it reminds you of them. Only way I could describe it is that it's like trying to hum that one song you liked on the radio  but didn't catch a phrase long enough to find it. It's like the blind leading the blind. Like smoke taming fire. It's a choking sensation in your throat. Your words start to burn because they're nothing alike theirs.

Shouldn't

After the first kiss, the first intimate moment, the first hug after long days of pure hankering, it is quite common for the lead character to say or think „Now it is us against the world”....

... but when you truly, truly love someone shouldn't it be the opposite way? Shouldn't the world turn from an opponent to a friend? Shouldn't you be seeing the stars in her eyes as they sparkle? Shouldn't you be seeing the overwhelming beauty of the world in her? In her looks, in her touch, in her lips and in her habits? Shouldn't you be drunk in love and thankful towards the world that yours and hers paths have crossed? Shouldn't you be on your knees thanking for the goddess the world has molded for you? Shouldn't you be seeing her support in your failures, her laugh in your tears, her love in your reflection? Shouldn't your world be so filled with her that it becomes just as beautiful as she is?

It's been a while

Everything I've ever hoped to see abroad I ended up finding home. It's just that I needed to experience something distant to appreciate what's nearby. There's nothing better than the sense of belonging, acceptance and understanding everything around you. It's comfort and safety. Just what my heart and soul need to focus. Differences are fascinating and travel does make you rich but I think the true milk and honey are hidden in plain sight. Chaos is good for art but coming in terms with your reality might help you to truly experience freedom of spirit. Not much of this post makes sense but I guess what I'm trying to get across is that we should stop looking and start seeing. I used to think that the world outside of me is the end goal, the desire but recently I came to the realisation that this way of thinking completely misses the point. My first big goal should be to contemplate my everyday surroundings and truly understand them. Balance is good, there must be a mixture of crazy and tamed in one's life for it to not be wasted and I think I've found my perfect recipe.

A girl exploring her city.

Pep talk.

You. An amazing individual who is capable of accomplishing every goal desired. You. That girl who hides her face under makeup or covers it with her hands in front of a camera. You. A lonely seed of sand which doesn't seem to make any difference. You. Essential to the existence of the universe. You see we all have different ideas when it comes to how the universe appeared. There's big bang theory and many others following. And personally I can tell you that I have no clue how it happened. But it did. And you did appear just as magically and cryptically as everything else. You are tied in with every other individual. I strongly believe that in a complicated way you have a connection with every single person living on Earth or at least you're capable of having it. Remember the man that selled you that coffee in Starbucks? How you wished him a nice day? Ya it cheered him up and he decided to buy his girlfriend flowers that day. All because of the good mood you put him in. He bought the bouquet from a street stand and gave the owner a big tip. The owner bought his kid a new toy with the money and the kid shared it with his friends. This scenario goes on and on. You make a difference with every purchase you make, every breath you take and every smile you give. Anything you do is percepted by others and affects their life. If you weren't here, all of your impact would be gone causing the universe to miss something. You take up some of the emptiness. You change people's days. Everything is related to everything in a way. Almost as if our universe was a spider's web. I hope it all made sense but yeah, you are much more important than you think you are. Take up the power you have and make others smile, but most importantly yourself.

New year, new me

Okay so it's 2016, great. This year I'm starting off as a vegetarian and overall fit person (let's see how that goes haha) But nothing's really changed since yesterday... I still suck at texting, enjoy dumb pop songs just as much as "good music" and drink everything through a straw. I'm literally just as weird, I swear.
But there is one thing that goes well with the entire "new year, new me" saying. You see, last year I ranted about how stupid that statement is, this year Imma attempt to give it some clever reasoning. It might be a brave statement but there's a 99% chance that you've changed throughout last year. You might have a new best friend, favorite colour and a few additional features that came with experience. So I assume you were a completely different person on the last day of 2015 than you were at the end of 2014 and so on. And that's how you can justify the statement so controversial right now... "new year, new me" :)