The struggle of being present in the now and in the self.

There are so many lifes to be lived. There are so many rules to be followed. So many of which could be broken. There are so many scenarios to be acted out. So many settings to be arranged. So many conversations to be had. There are so many ways in which you could dress yourself. So many ways in which you could compose your image. There is no limit to anything in this world. And I must say I am greedy. Greedy to live five lives all at once. I want to be a poet in Paris eating croissants and sipping black coffee brewed in a glass chemex. I also seek to be an artist spending days and nights in a New York city studio. I want to be a business woman grabbing lunch inbetween meetings, always in a rush and a planner in hand. I dream to be a lover, a mother, a carer for those in need. I would also love to be a social activist and become the change I wish to see in the world. Sometimes it feels so overwhelming. There are so many paths to be taken and so little time. Everything takes so much time. I always struggle to catch up. I want to work hard, to fully use my time, to live at least a few of those lifes in a lifetime. But it gets tiring. I have too many ideas. Too many daydreams. Too many plans. Too little life. Even right now I am messing up words, mixing them together, spelling in the strangest of possible ways. All because I am thinking too fast. My brain seems to never stop. Sometimes I want it to stop, but then again... I must work hard. But chasing after five lifes seems to be depriving me of the one I have. How do I make the choice? What should I focus on? Probably just transfer to buddhism and gain a few more due to reincarnation. Seems the least overwhelming.

And now that I am thinking some more. At even faster pace. I must say I can cleary visualise that my loneliness will follow me whichever way. Because I can never imagine myself alone. There's always imaginary companionship. The one thing truly missing from my life. The one cause of my running away strategy of life. The one source of the ache of the heart.